Why must you make assumptions behind the reason for my actions? Why can’t you just ask me? Unless you just don’t care?

3 months after the loss of my angel

3 months after the loss of my angel

When will I ever do anything right?

I understand it’s not yet 8, but I’m too tired to make dinner even though I’m hungry. I did as many chores as I could before saying goodnight. I didn’t mean you had to go to bed with me or stop what you were doing.

Am I supposed to force myself to stay awake? Cause a nap is pointless this late in the day.

Why can’t you talk to me anymore? Or do I have that wrong thinking you actually used to talk and tell me things before?

Have you noticed I can’t bring myself to call you Daddy anymore?

No matter how many times you refer to yourself that way, I still can’t call you that.

Have we lost that aspect of our relationship for good? If so, is that a sign that I can’t completely trust you anymore?

Head or Heart?

Which do I follow?

When your actions say the opposite of your words, which am I to believe?

How can you say I am important when you discount my opinions?

My new Santa hat #shirtmas

My new Santa hat #shirtmas

Journal 10/16/13

I am to apologize to Her because:

"Mend ties, the community is too small to have to have anger and resentment."
Because its not just her, but Her Dom too.

So, again, why do I have to apologize? She did nothing wrong? Where’s Her apology?

Why is the victim apologizing for standing up for herself? Am I supposed to apologize for stating the truth too? Would Sir like to write and send it for me?

I have anger and resentment that:
*I have to be the one to apologize first.
*she hasn’t even acknowledged what I wrote, let alone given feedback if she agrees or disagrees.
*he is allowing her to manipulate him and thereby manipulate me.
*Her Dom hasn’t addressed this to my knowledge.
*Sir doesn’t hear me.
*I can’t communicate with Sir anymore.
*I have to bottle everything since I have no one to talk to about this.
*I keep questioning/doubting myself and my instincts.
*Sir risked our relationship for approximately 3 hours a week of texts, phone calls and visits with her.
*she was able to receive the discipline I had requested.
*Sir said “I want you present with me” and then went behind my back.
*I was the last person to try his new caveman flogger
*there isn’t a single toy that Sir has that is exclusively used on me
*Sir kept saying the new relationship was for both of us but never included me.

I apologize:
*that your Dom didn’t encourage you to get your own confirmation that this was okay.
*that my Sir kept me in the dark
*that I feel my needs take precedents over yours
*that I will not ignore my feelings so everything can be rose-tinted perfection in your world.
*For thinking you were an adult and could handle the truth
*For thinking you would try to see things from my perspective
*For expecting you to give me time to accept what you two had done
*For expecting you to give me time to mend my relationship
*For expecting you to apologize

Little things

That awkward moment when you want to text something to your Sir… And you realize you can’t because the girl he cheated with used to send that same phrase.

Joy that sending Sir that phrase used to give me is now tainted.